lloyds ts-not-me

I got a lovely little letter from my bank, Lloyds TSB, the other day, titled "exclusive saver".

The letter read as follows:

TAX YEAR 6 April 2010 - 5 April 2011

Gross Interest (before tax) £0.29
Tax deducted £0.05

Net Interest Paid £0.24 (<--- WOW! Thanks Mr. Bank Man)


I was further advised to not destroy this document for tax purposes. You know, in case I would want to reclaim my 5 pence from the Inland Revenue (which I'm very much tempted to do now, just for shits and giggles).

On the right hand side at the top of the page it said "Write to us at" followed by the address to their Customer Service Centre. Like, a pen and paper address, not the electronic kind. Yes, Mr. Bank Man, I shall immediately do this!

Any of the above doesn't really bother me, it's just funny, but I used it to ease everyone in to what is to come, a thing that without a doubt is about to drive me insane:

Whenever I go to my local branch, usually to make a deposit (CASH MONEY KING!), they keep asking me if I want to upgrade to a Platinum account.

.....

Johanna is a student. Johanna does not wish to pay £17.95 monthly for some bogus benefits. And if you ask Johanna one more time, Johanna might get another bank, because frankly, you are starting to piss her off.

The above should be listed next to my name in their database. If they did so, they wouldn't waste any time offering me a Platinum account, and I wouldn't waste any energy forcing myself to smile at the poor bank lady who's obliged to ask me to upgrade, while saying "no thank you".

Now some people might be thinking, are you really so frickin' important that you don't have the time to behave like a normal human being and politely say "no thank you", then walk out and continue with your life?

The answer to that would be... sno. (<--- that's not a spelling error, that's my witty combination of "yes" and "no")

Think about it like this, imagine yourself being a parent. You're in the car, and the classic scenario of "are we there yet?" takes place. This, like we all know, means "are we there yet?" x 1000.

You figure out the rest. (For God's sake, this is your own flesh and blood, not a bank!)